I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
