i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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