I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
