Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So much rum. So many feels.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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