this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
