Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
