Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
