I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
