Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
