phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
