In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
