WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
