Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
