How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
