Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
