Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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