first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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