I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
