Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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