Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
