i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Four minutes until I can fart!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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