He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
