I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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