oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you had me at cake vodka
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
