I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
this is an emotional support booty call
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
