I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
