It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
