and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
