so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
