She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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