You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
