drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
