CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
