How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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