I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
