He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
