the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
