Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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