Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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