Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
