i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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