how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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