I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
