can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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