Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
