I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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