I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
