i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
