my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
