allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
