Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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