It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
