Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
