i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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