a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
