you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
