I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
