Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
