apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
